An excerpt from “Moving Away From Comparison to Personal Development.”
Why don’t I want to see her?
Why does she make me uncomfortable?
She’s awesome. So herself. Unafraid. Or afraid and courageous. So much of what I don’t have…yet. She makes me want to jump and move and scream and laugh but depression says no. That’s not you. You will never experience passion or lightness like that. Remember all of that pain? That sticky nettle pain. It’s already hardened around you. Sugar crystals. Crustacean in amber. Face locked in a choked cry. Preserved. Forever. Look at how beautiful that is. See that right there is you. Stay. Sit. Simmer. Don’t change.
Depression gets too excited. I see it now. Feel it hugging me into the warm dark. Womb. Regression. Fear. Pain. I have a fire inside me. Hear it. A roaring freezing wind sticking against your cheek like a snowflake.
I don’t know what depression wants from me. I know what I want of myself. When you see someone who is so themselves, it can make you feel like you’re not good enough, like what’s the point, like you’re going to fail. You can’t fail at you. Whatever isn’t grown when you plant the seed, is not meant to produce in your life. Plant the seed, say the words, do the things, think Big thoughts, and you must do this often.
Plant the seed when you’re scared, when you’re tired, when it hurts, when other’s say it won’t grow.
What new hobby have you been telling yourself you’re not skilled enough to do? What person have you been too nervous to introduce yourself to? What position have you been telling yourself you’re not qualified enough for? The only one who can grow your garden is you but you have to give yourself a chance. If you never plant anything, how can you expect to have a vibrant, fruitful life. We have to work on ourselves. No one cares as much as we do.
Don’t look at your neighbor’s garden and get discouraged. Be happy for them. Take in the energy of their colors, smells, and shapes and start working on you and do what you want to do. There is no wrong or right way to produce. Cultivating our own technique is how we create a diverse healthy community of beautiful individuals.
After spending a couple of hours the other day on YouTube, Facebook, Tumblr, Instagram, and Pinterest, I closed my laptop feeling deflated. Not good enough. Like something from my life was missing. Like I need to be prettier, more outgoing, and have my life figured out. I feel alone. Look at all these people connecting with each other but not me. What am I doing wrong? What is wrong with me?
Nothing. That’s what social media does. For the month of February, I uninstalled Facebook, Tumblr, Instagram, and Pinterest from my phone. I created so much more time and space to create and write and think. As with all addictions, its not that easy and since March, I’ve found myself supplementing by accessing the sites on my laptop. Those feelings came back and I realized that I’d lapsed again without even realizing it. Now, I’m working towards reducing my use on my laptop so I can create that time and space for creation. Its important to take a moment of silence and reflection and think about how we feel after we do something. Whether its going to the grocery store or using Facebook, you feel one thing while doing it and another once the act is done. If after you do something, you feel worse than before, stop and think. Do I need to make a change? Am I willing to make a change? If not, why?