we love you

that “you” inside of you

telling you

 

“no, don’t do that”

“you don’t want that”

“that’s not meant for you”

“you’ll be disappointed”

“they’re lying to you”

“they didn’t do this thing,

so they don’t care about you”

“you’re worthless”

“if you fail, you’re worthless”

“if you’re not the best, you’re worthless”

“no one cares about what you have to say”

“you have nothing no one wants”

“no one loves you”

“no one wants your love”

“you’re ugly”

“when you wear makeup, you look desperate”

“when you wear these clothes, no one respects you”

“you have nothing going for you”

“you have no skills”

“you’re lucky to have made it this far”
“it only gets worse from here”

“no understands you”

“you don’t understand you”

“you’re all alone”

“no one can help you”

“you have no friends”

“your parents don’t care”

“tomorrow doesn’t matter”

 

is hurting so much

and didn’t learn how to cope with traumas

and negative experiences,

so it put them on like clothes

to weather future traumas

 

those thoughts are

lies

those feelings are

real

no one would ever say

things like that

to someone they love

unless

they were sick or hurting

 

take care of you/”you”

get better

get connected

get loved

we love you

we accept you

we are inside you

 

Why I Title My Journal Entries

Why I Title My Journal Entries

Have you ever had something bothering you…on your mind but when you sit down to write for 5, 10, 15 minutes you don’t feel any better? You feel like it accomplished nothing? Like there is something that you are still clawing at or that is clawing at you and you still have something that needs to be fleshed out?

I used to feel like this. I’d wake up feeling some sort of general anxiety. I couldn’t put my finger on it exactly but felt like it had something to do with “apples”. So, I’d took out my journal and started writing about apples but then my mind wandered off and I started writing about celery and grocery shopping. You get the point. At the end, I was still thinking about apples as if I had more to say but that was more distant. I still felt that pesky general anxiety about apples.

About two or three months ago, I decided to try something new and created a title for my journal entry. Lets call it “work”. I was only going to write about work and I was going to write every single thought and feeling I could think of about work in that session. I brain-dumped on the page(s) and once I was done, I had nothing else to say about work. My mind was unburdened. I released all of the anxieties about work out on the page and I felt so much better.

Then I did it again, with other things, like people in my life, goals, other interests, and most important other anxieties. What this did for me was turn down the dial on my anxieties and depression. I could convert more energy to the present instead of on the past or the unpredictability of the future.

I became happier, more focused, and self-aware.

Through this practice, I’ve found that there are feelings that we hide from ourselves—our subconscious’s defense mechanism. When we write without editing or filtering or judging, we allow our subconscious to release some of those feelings in a safe space so we can do something with them. What we do with them is individual to each person. What we have now is more information about what’s going on in our head, and less in our head to manage. We can free ourselves through this constraint.

If it pleases you, leave a comment below if this is something you do or have tried because of this post.

5/3/18: Hidden Pain

What if my writing is only fueled by pain, depression, and fear? As I get better at dealing with my depression, I may lose the red eye who cast everything in such a terrific color. Why am I worried about this? I didn’t write a poem yesterday. I can’t write one right now. I must be overreacting. Look, see, I’m writing at this moment. Oh listen, there’s insecurity knocking!

 

4 Reasons Why to Go to Work

  1. Future me will have less work
  2. I’ll distract myself from this mental masturbation

 

I’m not proud of what I do. I want to tell people I’m a writer and let that be the dialogue that is “Andrea.” Gosh, things were so good and how they’ve somehow changed. Am I just making up reasons to be sad? Am I being dramatic?

 

Okay, game plan-hip hop music, get dressed, pack lunch, get outside before I change my mind.

 

 

Depressed? Please Seek Help

Depressed? Please Seek Help

I have depression and sometimes anxiety. This is something I’ve struggled with since childhood and has carried over into adulthood. My depression cannot be controlled, covered up, or rationed away. For me, that’s the worst thing I could try to do. Before I sought help, I tried to strong-arm my depression and failed.

Seeking help has allowed me to learn things about what my thoughts are doing and more importantly where they came from. I also learned that I am not alone and I need others to overcome it. Hiding it from the people we care about only isolates us more in our mind. I was thankful to have a few people I could talk about my feelings to but there were somethings I couldn’t talk about and that was because of my depression. It can make you think that no one cares or that no one can help you and that’s not true.

If you have any depressive or anxious thoughts, or thoughts that feel out of control, please see a professional today.

If you are having suicidal thoughts, please call the NATIONAL SUICIDE PREVENTION HOTLINE at 1-800-273-8255.

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