Why don’t I want to see her?
Why does she make me uncomfortable?
She’s awesome. So herself. Unafraid. Or afraid and courageous. So much of what I don’t have…yet. She makes me want to jump and move and scream and laugh but depression says no. that’s not you. You will never experience passion or lightness like that. Remember all of that pain? That sticky nettle pain. It’s already hardened around you. Sugar crystals. Crustacean in amber. Face locked in a choked cry. Preserved. Forever. Look at how beautiful that is. See that right there is you. Stay. Sit. Simmer. Don’t change.
Depression gets too excited. I see it now. Feel it hugging me into the warm dark. Womb. Regression. Fear. Pain. I have a fire inside me. Hear it. A roaring freezing wind sticking against your cheek like a snowflake.
I don’t know what depression wants from me. I know what I want of myself. When you see someone who is so themselves, it can make you feel like you’re not good enough, like what’s the point, like you’re going to fail. You can’t fail at you. Whatever isn’t grown when you plant the seed, is not meant to produce in your life. Plant the seed, say the words, do the things, think Big thoughts, and you must do this often. Plant the seed when you’re scared, when you’re tired, when it hurts, when other’s say it won’t grow. What new hobby have you been telling yourself you’re not skilled enough to do? What person have you been too nervous to introduce yourself to? What position have you been telling yourself you’re not qualified enough for? The only one who can grow your garden is you but you have to give yourself a chance. If you never plant anything, how can you expect to have a vibrant, fruitful life. We have to work on ourselves. No one cares as much as we do.
Don’t look at your neighbor’s garden and get discouraged. Be happy for them. Take in the energy of their colors, smells, and shapes and start working on you and do what you want to do. There is no wrong or right way to produce. Cultivating our own technique is how we create a diverse healthy community of beautiful individuals.
No, don’t do that. I don’t want that. What if something goes wrong. I might be disappointed. I might disappoint someone else.
They’re lying to me. They didn’t do this, so they must not love me. If I don’t do this, I’m worthless. Don’t do this, because if I fail, I’ll be proving everyone right. No one cares about what I have to say. No one loves me.
This not you. This is not me. Listen to what depression says to you, so you can be in control.
What makes a thought “negative” is that is happens unconsciously.
Thoughts are not negative or positive. We make them so.
What if my writing is only fueled by pain, depression, and fear? As I get better at dealing with my depression, I may lose the red eye who cast everything in such a terrific color. Why am I worried about this? I didn’t write a poem yesterday. I can’t write one right now. I must be overreacting. Look, see, I’m writing at this moment. Oh listen, there’s insecurity knocking!
4 Reasons Why to Go to Work
- Future me will have less work
- I’ll distract myself from this mental masturbation
I’m not proud of what I do. I want to tell people I’m a writer and let that be the dialogue that is “Andrea.” Gosh, things were so good and how they’ve somehow changed. Am I just making up reasons to be sad? Am I being dramatic?
Okay, game plan-hip hop music, get dressed, pack lunch, get outside before I change my mind.
I have depression and sometimes anxiety. This is something I’ve struggled with since childhood and has carried over into adulthood. My depression cannot be controlled, covered up, or rationed away. For me, that’s the worst thing I could try to do. Before I sought help, I tried to strong-arm my depression and failed.
Seeking help has allowed me to learn things about what my thoughts are doing and more importantly where they came from. I also learned that I am not alone and I need others to overcome it. Hiding it from the people we care about only isolates us more in our mind. I was thankful to have a few people I could talk about my feelings to but there were somethings I couldn’t talk about and that was because of my depression. It can make you think that no one cares or that no one can help you and that’s not true.
If you have any depressive or anxious thoughts, or thoughts that feel out of control, please see a professional today.
If you are having suicidal thoughts, please call the NATIONAL SUICIDE PREVENTION HOTLINE at 1-800-273-8255.
hot and cold
chill and wavy
smiles come easier
so do tears
so does a wet wet and
wanting to hump the seat your ass is on
I keep telling myself I want to drink less
I keep pouring myself one more
it’s hard to cry when you don’t have a good excuse
life is a good excuse
alcohol is a better one
I don’t let it get out of hand
I have bills to pay and a responsible life to live
letting loose makes the ride a bit more exciting
compared to the drone of the nine-to-five
bumper-to-bumper sucky-fucky of the week
you know its true
so what if you get blackout drunk?
that’s what Gatorade and carbs are for
god, just feel it for once
let the water take you under and
feel the pulsing heart of the universe
I’ve felt it, its scary as fuck until you realize
the banging at the door is in your chest
it’s about you
look at yourself
who are you?
at the very least, you’re a beating heart
that’s a goddamn blessing
hug yourself and get drunk in the wave