An excerpt from “Poem: Friday Night.”
Quote: Look at Yourself…
Quote: What Makes a Thought Negative…
An excerpt from “Unconsciously“
Quote: The Point of Will is to Get You There…
An excerpt from “Will.”
Managing Emotion-Triggered Impulses
A few days ago, I was upset about some coworkers on my team getting back late from lunch which meant I couldn’t go to lunch on time. I had to go to lunch nearly 30 minutes later than usual. I don’t eat breakfast. That’s my thing. Lunch is very important to me. After I left for lunch and ate, I was still frustrated. Not just at my team but with work in general. I’d also had some other mild anxieties roaming round in my head I just needed a break from all of it, but I couldn’t leave work. I took out my journal and wrote during lunch that day. Here’s an excerpt:
“I want comfort. I’m glad I’m here at the page instead of down at the food truck or at the vending. I don’t want to eat for comfort but it feels like my brain is starving for it right now. The frustration I feel wont go away after I eat, it will just be dulled while I’m eating. I’ll be distracted. I’ll regret it. I’ll be mad at myself for being weak then try and tell myself not to be too hard on myself.
This is an opportunity to serve my body, not just my mind. My body has a voice and so often I don’t listen. I let the brain’s voice take over because the body doesn’t “think” right?
The body knows itself better than the brain. The body had no sub-conscious. It does not hide things from us. It screams and sings when we listen and when we don’t. With the body, there’s a tangible breaking point.
The brain is a Matryoshka doll. Each doll holds a part of you. As a child, we can see all of our dolls/selves and they are complete and visible. As we age, we are taught to hide certain selves. Our brain learns to do this on its own, requiring no conscious thought, hiding parts of us we didn’t know were there.
Prying them open is hard, painful, and releases trauma. Most people need a professional for this. I did. The brain is so good at smoothing out the seams. The body can burst them open. Sometimes it takes trauma to the body to recognize trauma in the mind. It doesn’t have to get to that point, if we listen to our bodies. We’ll recognize the brain and body may not be in sync and there we start to work on why.
Listen to you body as you would your brain.”
I did not pacify my emotions with food. That was a win for that moment. I continued to write about what was really bothering me and worked to come to terms with those feelings.
In the moment, its hard to stop your id in its ravenous tracks, reflect, and make a conscious choice. That’s best way to grow. It’s a lot hard after the fact, when your belly is full and your mind is drunk.
Raising Money for Poetry!!
Here in Tucson, AZ, there is a great non-profit, Casa Libre, that supports a literary community of poets in this city. They hold donation-based readings and workshops (not donation-based) hosted by poets from Arizona and all over the United States. As a woman of color, I really appreciate that they go out of their way to welcome and include diverse poets and readers in their community so that everyone’s voice can be heard.
There are having an event called “500 Sonnets” on June 9th to raise money for their organization so we can keep having readings and paying poets.
I will be writing and reading sonnets for this event on June 9th and need sponsors to help me reach my goal of raising $100.
You can sponsor me here. You will need to key in my name after you click “shop” and my name is “Andrea Ivy.” You can sponsor me before the event or on the day of online.
Thank you for reading and donating if you are able.
Saving for Grad School: Changing Cell Phone Providers
I’ve officially switched cell phone providers. A great friend of mine recommended Google Fi a few months ago saying they have the best network and that they are more affordable. I wasn’t hearing it at the time. It wasn’t on my radar.
Now I’m saving for grad school, so I am cutting things and expenses out of my life that don’t add value. My cell phone service is with AT&T and its not adding value to my life. The reception is fickle. Where friends with other providers have service, I won’t. Their plan is extremely expensive, even with an employee discount. I was looking up cell phone providers and I remembered Google. There are lots of reasons I decided it was the right choice for me.
Cost
My pay $60/mth with AT&T for unlimited calls and texts and 1gb of data. I know. If I go up to 3gb of data, I’m paying $90/mth. Gross!
With Google Fi, unlimited calls and texts is $20/mth. Data is $10/gb and you only pay for what you use. You will never pay more than $60/mth for data even if you use more than 6gb, is what they say. So if I use 1gb of data per month, I would pay $30 instead of $60 with AT&T. And if I get crazy and want 3gb of data per month, I would pay $50 instead of $90 with AT&T.
Easy Transition
The transition cost is also a non-issue. They have affordable phones (yes you need to buy one of their phones) as low as $199 outright. The one I’ve purchased is $249 outright.
I looked into cancelling my AT&T plan and since I’m on the Next plan and owe nothing on my phone (I always buy my phones upfront), I don’t have any early termination fees (ETF).
Once my new phone arrives, I’ll set it up then cancel my prior service.
International Service
Now, I’m not a globetrotter yet but I plan to leave the country again at some point. Google Fi doesn’t charge extra for texts or data when you’re out of the country like my current provider. There is an increased rate for calls but, who calls anyone anyway nowadays.
Hotspot
My provider charges extra to use my phone as a mobile hotspot for connecting other devices to my phone’s internet. Google Fi does not. That’s a huge plus. Its convenient and saves money.
My Google Fi phone will arrive within a week or so. I am looking forward to paying less money for this service and putting that money towards my future. Google Fi makes a lot of claims and I hope they hold up. I’ll follow-up once I get the phone and service setup.
Quote: My Depression Cannot Be Controlled…
An excerpt from “Depressed? Please Seek Help.”
Quote: God, Just Feel It For Once…
Excerpt from “Poem: Friday Night.”
“Busy”
When we say we’re so “busy”, what are we really saying? Do we have a full schedule? Do we have a lot of physical tasks? Do we have a lot of mental tasks?
“Busy” is such an over-used term. When your friend asks you how you’re doing, besides “fine”, it’s probably “busy.” But where does the conversation go from there? A long rant on whats going wrong, who said what, who did what, or whatever plights you feel you’ve suffered. We’re dumping that on someone else and we’re inviting someone else to dump on us too.
Let’s say what we mean. Instead of saying we’re “busy,” let’s think critically about how we’re actually doing.
What interesting thing has happened?
What interesting thing will happen?
What are your goals?
What experiences have you had?
What activity are you doing that’s adding value to your life?
These are the types of topics we need to discuss when prompted with “how are you doing” or “what’s up?” You know what happens next? The questioner is encouraged to share as well. Now you’re really talking to each other instead of talking at each other. You’re having a meaningful conversation with another human being and instead of feeling pessimistic, you feel connected. If the questioner, isn’t as forthcoming. Ask them one of the questions above and maybe they’ll open up.
Let’s remember the definition of “busy”, as per Merriam-Webster:
1
a : engaged in action : occupied
b : being in use
2 : full of activity
3 : foolishly or intrusively active : meddling
4 : full of distracting detail
Definition 1 a
This really shouldn’t apply unless you are actually completing an activity. Instead of saying “busy”, just say what you’re doing. Example: “I’m making dinner right now.”
Definition 1 b and 2
This is used to describe objects. Not people. Example: “The telephone is busy.” or “The printer is busy.”
Definition 3
I hope this isn’t you but we’ve all been that micro-manager who needs to be “involved” in every aspect of something. This probably isn’t want you mean when you say you’re “busy.”
Definition 4
Unless you’re an overwhelming painting or disco paints, this will not apply either.
Now that you’ve read this, you’ll start realizing how much you say “busy.” I still say it so much even though its much less than I used to. It helps to think about the person you’re talking to. They’re asking me how I’m doing because they care. Let me acknowledge that care by being transparent and engaging. Let me accept that care by giving them an opportunity to acknowledge me.
Let’s avoid the one-word answers and have meaningful conversations.
Quote: It’s Hard to Cry When…
An excerpt from “Moving Away From Comparison to Personal Development.”