In a bottle of tequila. Where is the happiness I asked for? Where is the confidence you promised?
I’m a more of a social alcoholic. It feels indulgent and excessive to get wasted alone. At least if I pass out, someone will see me, hopefully help me, so I wont die. I’ve never been that drunk. I’ve never really thought I would die from alcohol poisoning. Its fun to exaggerate like, “Ahhhh, I’m so nauseous but I can’t get anything to come up!” I learned early on in my career that you have to take care of yourself. Your friends will be too drunk to help you.
Stumbling out of your friend’s car and up your steps, your mouth feels like a desert and your vision shifts like its wavy horizon. You’re so hungry your stomach feels as if its shriveling into a raisin. Jacket on the couch. Keys on the counter next to the key bowl. Shoes in the hallway. Shirt on the door knob. Skirt on the bedroom floor. Then, as if by magic, two bottles of red Gatorade and a pack of Saltines sit on your nightstand. Where did they-? Who did-? You scramble for the Gatorade with dilated eyes and moan as the cracking of the plastic seal. Thank you. The red ambrosia quenches your thirst and nourishes your body.
Who am I? Bearer of electrolytes. Breaker of bread. I am you. I am Genie.
I don’t like to sing, breath in while talking, or make otherwise unusual sounds with my mouth. Can I sing? No, and that’s part of it. The other part is the vulnerability. So much of yourself can be revealed when you sing, like one’s confidence or lack thereof.
When I sing, you create my voice and its whatever you want it to be. I don’t have to worry about you missing something because you can take it one word at a time.
My song is often a sad one that’s meant to cause discomfort, reflection, and inspire courage and strength. Those painful emotions well up when sung and I don’t want to see us cry. Take my art like a pill in the comfort of you home where the bed and booze are nearby.
After spending a couple of hours the other day on YouTube, Facebook, Tumblr, Instagram, and Pinterest, I closed my laptop feeling deflated. Not good enough. Like something from my life was missing. Like I need to be prettier, more outgoing, and have my life figured out. I feel alone. Look at all these people connecting with each other but not me. What am I doing wrong? What is wrong with me?
Nothing. That’s what social media does. For the month of February, I uninstalled Facebook, Tumblr, Instagram, and Pinterest from my phone. I created so much more time and space to create and write and think. As with all addictions, its not that easy and since March, I’ve found myself supplementing by accessing the sites on my laptop. Those feelings came back and I realized that I’d lapsed again without even realizing it. Now, I’m working towards reducing my use on my laptop so I can create that time and space for creation. Its important to take a moment of silence and reflection and think about how we feel after we do something. Whether its going to the grocery store or using Facebook, you feel one thing while doing it and another once the act is done. If after you do something, you feel worse than before, stop and think. Do I need to make a change? Am I willing to make a change? If not, why?