we love you

that “you” inside of you

telling you

 

“no, don’t do that”

“you don’t want that”

“that’s not meant for you”

“you’ll be disappointed”

“they’re lying to you”

“they didn’t do this thing,

so they don’t care about you”

“you’re worthless”

“if you fail, you’re worthless”

“if you’re not the best, you’re worthless”

“no one cares about what you have to say”

“you have nothing no one wants”

“no one loves you”

“no one wants your love”

“you’re ugly”

“when you wear makeup, you look desperate”

“when you wear these clothes, no one respects you”

“you have nothing going for you”

“you have no skills”

“you’re lucky to have made it this far”
“it only gets worse from here”

“no understands you”

“you don’t understand you”

“you’re all alone”

“no one can help you”

“you have no friends”

“your parents don’t care”

“tomorrow doesn’t matter”

 

is hurting so much

and didn’t learn how to cope with traumas

and negative experiences,

so it put them on like clothes

to weather future traumas

 

those thoughts are

lies

those feelings are

real

no one would ever say

things like that

to someone they love

unless

they were sick or hurting

 

take care of you/”you”

get better

get connected

get loved

we love you

we accept you

we are inside you

 

Raising Money for Poetry!!

Raising Money for Poetry!!

Here in Tucson, AZ, there is a great non-profit, Casa Libre, that supports a literary community of poets in this city. They hold donation-based readings and workshops (not donation-based) hosted by poets from Arizona and all over the United States. As a woman of color, I really appreciate that they go out of their way to welcome and include diverse poets and readers in their community so that everyone’s voice can be heard.

There are having an event called “500 Sonnets” on June 9th to raise money for their organization so we can keep having readings and paying poets.

I will be writing and reading sonnets for this event on June 9th and need sponsors to help me reach my goal of raising $100. 

You can sponsor me here. You will need to key in my name after you click “shop” and my name is “Andrea Ivy.” You can sponsor me before the event or on the day of online.

Thank you for reading and donating if you are able.

Saving for Grad School: Changing Cell Phone Providers

I’ve officially switched cell phone providers. A great friend of mine recommended Google Fi a few months ago saying they have the best network and that they are more affordable. I wasn’t hearing it at the time. It wasn’t on my radar.

Now I’m saving for grad school, so I am cutting things and expenses out of my life that don’t add value. My cell phone service is with AT&T and its not adding value to my life. The reception is fickle. Where friends with other providers have service, I won’t. Their plan is extremely expensive, even with an employee discount. I was looking up cell phone providers and I remembered Google. There are lots of reasons I decided it was the right choice for me.

Cost

My pay $60/mth with AT&T for unlimited calls and texts and 1gb of data. I know. If I go up to 3gb of data, I’m paying $90/mth. Gross!

With Google Fi, unlimited calls and texts is $20/mth. Data is $10/gb and you only pay for what you use. You will never pay more than $60/mth for data even if you use more than 6gb, is what they say. So if I use 1gb of data per month, I would pay $30 instead of $60 with AT&T. And if I get crazy and want 3gb of data per month, I would pay $50 instead of $90 with AT&T.

Easy Transition

The transition cost is also a non-issue. They have affordable phones (yes you need to buy one of their phones) as low as $199 outright. The one I’ve purchased is $249 outright.

I looked into cancelling my AT&T plan and since I’m on the Next plan and owe nothing on my phone (I always buy my phones upfront), I don’t have any early termination fees (ETF).

Once my new phone arrives, I’ll set it up then cancel my prior service.

International Service

Now, I’m not a globetrotter yet but I plan to leave the country again at some point. Google Fi doesn’t charge extra for texts or data when you’re out of the country like my current provider. There is an increased rate for calls but, who calls anyone anyway nowadays.

Hotspot

My provider charges extra to use my phone as a mobile hotspot for connecting other devices to my phone’s internet. Google Fi does not. That’s a huge plus. Its convenient and saves money.

 


 

My Google Fi phone will arrive within a week or so. I am looking forward to paying less money for this service and putting that money towards my future. Google Fi makes a lot of claims and I hope they hold up. I’ll follow-up once I get the phone and service setup.

Poem: Writer’s Block

I can be a great writer

I feel it banging on the door of my skull

Trying to get down here to the tip of my pen

But goddamn when I really want it

It bars the door with a two-by-four and

All the begging won’t make ‘em come out

 

You know what brats like most?

Snacks-Like articles poems YouTube videos and podcasts

You know                           distractions

A release of self-contained pressure

Poem: Friday Night

hot and cold

chill and wavy

smiles come easier

so do tears

so does a wet wet and

wanting to hump the seat your ass is on

 

I keep telling myself I want to drink less

I keep pouring myself one more

 

it’s hard to cry when you don’t have a good excuse

life is a good excuse

alcohol is a better one

 

I don’t let it get out of hand

I have bills to pay and a responsible life to live

 

letting loose makes the ride a bit more exciting

compared to the drone of the nine-to-five

bumper-to-bumper sucky-fucky of the week

 

you know its true

so what if you get blackout drunk?

that’s what Gatorade and carbs are for

 

god, just feel it for once

let the water take you under and

feel the pulsing heart of the universe

I’ve felt it, its scary as fuck until you realize

the banging at the door is in your chest

 

it’s about you

look at yourself

who are you?

at the very least, you’re a beating heart

that’s a goddamn blessing

hug yourself and get drunk in the wave

Prose: Bath

After I worked out I was soaring hot and high like a comet. My body was limp and weak as I plopped into my car. I don’t remember the ride home. A juicy green pear lowered my elevation. A dry brushing took me higher and I felt a sensual cathartic release I wasn’t expecting. What, at first, was irritating became stimulating. An oil massage with coconut, sesame, and eucalyptus brought individual tress into view. An upper body clay mask with rhassoul clay, clove, calamus root, and cinnamon pulled me through the lowest clouds. A hot bath in magnesium, sesame, coconut, eucalyptus, and lavender oil as well as apple cider vinegar gently placed me in a hot spring. Exhale. A few seconds in a freezing rain shower and I’m tossed into a snowy river. Onto the bank, feet on the ground, I am ready to be me again.

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