5/3/18: Hidden Pain

What if my writing is only fueled by pain, depression, and fear? As I get better at dealing with my depression, I may lose the red eye who cast everything in such a terrific color. Why am I worried about this? I didn’t write a poem yesterday. I can’t write one right now. I must be overreacting. Look, see, I’m writing at this moment. Oh listen, there’s insecurity knocking!


4 Reasons Why to Go to Work

  1. Future me will have less work
  2. I’ll distract myself from this mental masturbation


I’m not proud of what I do. I want to tell people I’m a writer and let that be the dialogue that is “Andrea.” Gosh, things were so good and how they’ve somehow changed. Am I just making up reasons to be sad? Am I being dramatic?


Okay, game plan-hip hop music, get dressed, pack lunch, get outside before I change my mind.



Depressed? Please Seek Help

Depressed? Please Seek Help

I have depression and sometimes anxiety. This is something I’ve struggled with since childhood and has carried over into adulthood. My depression cannot be controlled, covered up, or rationed away. For me, that’s the worst thing I could try to do. Before I sought help, I tried to strong-arm my depression and failed.

Seeking help has allowed me to learn things about what my thoughts are doing and more importantly where they came from. I also learned that I am not alone and I need others to overcome it. Hiding it from the people we care about only isolates us more in our mind. I was thankful to have a few people I could talk about my feelings to but there were somethings I couldn’t talk about and that was because of my depression. It can make you think that no one cares or that no one can help you and that’s not true.

If you have any depressive or anxious thoughts, or thoughts that feel out of control, please see a professional today.

If you are having suicidal thoughts, please call the NATIONAL SUICIDE PREVENTION HOTLINE at 1-800-273-8255.

Self- Oil Massage or Abhyanga

Self-Oil Massage has become my favorite part of my self-care. For starters, I love oil, all oil, in my belly, on my skin, in my hair. For the past six months, my relationship with oil came in the form of washing with it in shower with the goal of phasing out traditional soaps and cooking with lots of butter because why not?

Studying Ayurveda on my own, I realized I needed to cut back on butter and there are different ways to apply oils (and powders) to the body and the type of oils matter too.

The old way I used oil on my body was mixing pink Himalayan sea salt with coconut oil and some drops of essential oil (lavender, ylang ylang, eucalyptus, lime, or rosemary), applying it all over my body under a running shower, and rinsing it off, leaving a slight residue.

What I loved about this was that I could exfoliate on a daily basis and I had removed the extra step of applying a lotion/moisturizer after showering.

The new way is to warm sesame oil (sometimes adding grapeseed oil) in the microwave for 10-15 seconds, add some drops of eucalyptus essential oil, massage into my dry skin starting at the toes and working up towards the heart, let it soak in for 5-10 minutes, then rinsing.

I am a very go go go person by nature and it can be a challenge to slow down and take care of myself. The most important part of this is the massage. Touching ones own body with love, care, intention, and calm. This is not a time to rush. I like to listen to a podcast or confidence-boosting music while I do it. Sometimes, I even do it in the evening before bed to relax and wind down. It only takes 5-10 minutes and making this time for myself makes my whole day better. Afterwards, I feel loved, beautiful, peaceful, and reflective. Once you find time for one thing, other things find space too, like meditation and writing. This act has made space for me to develop a morning routine with other self-care acts. At the surface, self-oil massage is a self-care technique but its also an opportunity to listen to our bodies and discover what else it needs.

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