Moving Away From Comparison to Personal Development

Why don’t I want to see her?

Why does she make me uncomfortable?

She’s awesome. So herself. Unafraid. Or afraid and courageous. So much of what I don’t have…yet. She makes me want to jump and move and scream and laugh but depression says no. that’s not you. You will never experience passion or lightness like that. Remember all of that pain? That sticky nettle pain. It’s already hardened around you. Sugar crystals. Crustacean in amber. Face locked in a choked cry. Preserved. Forever. Look at how beautiful that is. See that right there is you. Stay. Sit. Simmer. Don’t change.

Depression gets too excited. I see it now. Feel it hugging me into the warm dark. Womb. Regression. Fear. Pain. I have a fire inside me. Hear it. A roaring freezing wind sticking against your cheek like a snowflake.

I don’t know what depression wants from me. I know what I want of myself. When you see someone who is so themselves, it can make you feel like you’re not good enough, like what’s the point, like you’re going to fail. You can’t fail at you. Whatever isn’t grown when you plant the seed, is not meant to produce in your life. Plant the seed, say the words, do the things, think Big thoughts, and you must do this often. Plant the seed when you’re scared, when you’re tired, when it hurts, when other’s say it won’t grow. What new hobby have you been telling yourself you’re not skilled enough to do? What person have you been too nervous to introduce yourself to? What position have you been telling yourself you’re not qualified enough for? The only one who can grow your garden is you but you have to give yourself a chance. If you never plant anything, how can you expect to have a vibrant, fruitful life. We have to work on ourselves. No one cares as much as we do.

Don’t look at your neighbor’s garden and get discouraged. Be happy for them. Take in the energy of their colors, smells, and shapes and start working on you and do what you want to do. There is no wrong or right way to produce. Cultivating our own technique is how we create a diverse healthy community of beautiful individuals.




Will

The point of will is to get you there (to the writing desk, the yoga mat, the stage). Once you get there the purpose is to let go.

-Unknown




The Voice of Depression

Is indecisive

No, don’t do that. I don’t want that. What if something goes wrong. I might be disappointed. I might disappoint someone else.

Is insecure

They’re lying to me. They didn’t do this, so they must not love me. If I don’t do this, I’m worthless. Don’t do this, because if I fail, I’ll be proving everyone right. No one cares about what I have to say. No one loves me.

This not you. This is not me. Listen to what depression says to you, so you can be in control.




Unconsciously

What makes a thought “negative” is that is happens unconsciously.

Thoughts are not negative or positive. We make them so.




5/3/18: Hidden Pain

What if my writing is only fueled by pain, depression, and fear? As I get better at dealing with my depression, I may lose the red eye who cast everything in such a terrific color. Why am I worried about this? I didn’t write a poem yesterday. I can’t write one right now. I must be overreacting. Look, see, I’m writing at this moment. Oh listen, there’s insecurity knocking!

 

4 Reasons Why to Go to Work

  1. Future me will have less work
  2. I’ll distract myself from this mental masturbation

 

I’m not proud of what I do. I want to tell people I’m a writer and let that be the dialogue that is “Andrea.” Gosh, things were so good and how they’ve somehow changed. Am I just making up reasons to be sad? Am I being dramatic?

 

Okay, game plan-hip hop music, get dressed, pack lunch, get outside before I change my mind.

 

 




Depressed? Please Seek Help

I have depression and sometimes anxiety. This is something I’ve struggled with since childhood and has carried over into adulthood. My depression cannot be controlled, covered up, or rationed away. For me, that’s the worst thing I could try to do. Before I sought help, I tried to strong-arm my depression and failed.

Seeking help has allowed me to learn things about what my thoughts are doing and more importantly where they came from. I also learned that I am not alone and I need others to overcome it. Hiding it from the people we care about only isolates us more in our mind. I was thankful to have a few people I could talk about my feelings to but there were somethings I couldn’t talk about and that was because of my depression. It can make you think that no one cares or that no one can help you and that’s not true.

If you have any depressive or anxious thoughts, or thoughts that feel out of control, please see a professional today.

If you are having suicidal thoughts, please call the NATIONAL SUICIDE PREVENTION HOTLINE at 1-800-273-8255.




Self- Oil Massage or Abhyanga

Self-Oil Massage has become my favorite part of my self-care. For starters, I love oil, all oil, in my belly, on my skin, in my hair. For the past six months, my relationship with oil came in the form of washing with it in shower with the goal of phasing out traditional soaps and cooking with lots of butter because why not?

Studying Ayurveda on my own, I realized I needed to cut back on butter and there are different ways to apply oils (and powders) to the body and the type of oils matter too.

The old way I used oil on my body was mixing pink Himalayan sea salt with coconut oil and some drops of essential oil (lavender, ylang ylang, eucalyptus, lime, or rosemary), applying it all over my body under a running shower, and rinsing it off, leaving a slight residue.

What I loved about this was that I could exfoliate on a daily basis and I had removed the extra step of applying a lotion/moisturizer after showering.

The new way is to warm sesame oil (sometimes adding grapeseed oil) in the microwave for 10-15 seconds, add some drops of eucalyptus essential oil, massage into my dry skin starting at the toes and working up towards the heart, let it soak in for 5-10 minutes, then rinsing.

I am a very go go go person by nature and it can be a challenge to slow down and take care of myself. The most important part of this is the massage. Touching ones own body with love, care, intention, and calm. This is not a time to rush. I like to listen to a podcast or confidence-boosting music while I do it. Sometimes, I even do it in the evening before bed to relax and wind down. It only takes 5-10 minutes and making this time for myself makes my whole day better. Afterwards, I feel loved, beautiful, peaceful, and reflective. Once you find time for one thing, other things find space too, like meditation and writing. This act has made space for me to develop a morning routine with other self-care acts. At the surface, self-oil massage is a self-care technique but its also an opportunity to listen to our bodies and discover what else it needs.